Transforming Communication for Higher Performance

A simple communication first principle is that it takes two to create a dynamic, but only one person to shift a dynamic.

• High functioning teams rely on this idea every day of the week.

• Couples thrive when they can play it.

• Moms and Dads exhaust themselves far less.

• Whether the party is two people, six or 18, the principle still applies.

It only takes one person to change the dynamic, shift the conversation, unstick the log jam, open a new communication pathway, and design a better, more productive moment. Relying on the arts of deflection, avoidance, dismissal, denial, projection, and absorption are far less effective communication methods — if you intend to progress, elevate, and evolve.

The difference is you don't wait for anyone else to do the work. You don't waste time and energy complaining about them and their habits, ways, and patterns. Instead, you remind yourself that change in this moment is fully in your power. When you choose to show up differently, you alter the dynamics. Your being alternative offers an alternative. By saying something rather than nothing, you provocate. By asking a meaningfully, provocative, simple question, you can re-route an entire conversation. When you remain silent because you always speak, you shift patterns. When you stay in your awareness and not in your reactivity, you break habits.

Freedom lies in choosing your expression.

Untapped energy lies behind whichever expression you choose.

Healthy collaboration usually relies on communication transformation. Here are some tools.

• Ask yourself, what are I intending?

• Get to know what you mean. Match your words to your intent. Your formulation and construction to your desired tone.

• Form a question rather than pursue an accusation.

• Take a pause, a breath, a knee.

• Brave the sound of your voice. Or, have the courage of your own silence.

• Use a pen and paper to first ground your swirling and activated reptile mind before speaking.

• Tap into your heart allowing it, not your triggers, to lead you.

• Stand objectively in observation of your inner narrative, disallowing it to shackle you.

• Take a beat and then offer an idea, form a question, or name an observation plus a recommendation that you intend to own. Not a projection to make it about everyone else.

• Create space between you and it so you are in the practice, on repeat, to iterate your way into interactivity. Away from projection, lobbing, and simplistic minded defense.

• Bear in mind that words are spell casters into the field. You know all that talk about manifestation? This is that.

• Radiate words (or no words) out to say what you mean, versus spreading what you do not.

Bad and Good Ways to Be in Dialog

Negativity Tennis

You say something triggering, antagonising, harsh, wrong sounding to me. I deflect it by throwing back at you an insult, a quip, a name calling, an excuse. Whether physically in your presence or not.

Humor is included here, as it can disguise itself and be another construct of negativity tennis. Humor is deflection in pure form. (Yes, humor also brings joy so intent is always the key behind humor's signature.)

In negativity tennis, I reflect your negative energy with negative energy. You say one heavy thing to me and I come back at you with two heavy things to disprove, deny, or dive into the negativity pool — and so forth.

Low vibes abound in this way.

Swallowing Whole

I say something wrong sounding, harsh, short, antagonising, or triggering to you. You ingest and absorb it into your system, making meaning internally saying nothing in reply where it then holds and sticks.

When you choose to say nothing in the energetics of my harsh, mean, and unkind you absorb that negativity.

You take my harsh, mean, and unkind into your field whole and without question — polluting your pool. Meanwhile, you get zero kudos for "being a good girl or boy" for your silence. Instead, you just take on my crud.

I dished. You swallowed. Absorbed. And more than likely, together we bury the moment. Often, as a repeating cycle.

A huge and likely toxic imbalance flourishes here.

Transforming with Love, Dignity, and Respect

You say something wrong, unkind, harsh, deflective, triggering or antagonising to me. I hit back with love.

I meet your pain, fear, discomfort, nervousness, habit or agita without reacting, projecting or deflecting. I see it for what it. Your consciousness state and humanity. I don't go silent. I don't perform one-upsmanship in the tennis match. Nor do I recede into the wallpaper. I also don't call a friend to blast you behind your back.

Instead, I meet you. I see you. I understand what is yours is not mine. I trust in my own developing self-worth. I understand what I deserve in all moments.

I bring dignity and respect for you, grounded in my developing self.

I can choose from my toolbox an assortment of ways to open up the moment or gently shut it down. I can hold the negativity without punching it back, without taking it on, and without making meaning about it as a judgment against or definition of me.

Regardless of your intent, effect, and affect, I am perpetually free to choose not to dive in.

I do the work of gaining mastery holding a larger, compassionate container for both of us to occupy. Love isn't always sweet things and rainbows, remember. She is strong and discerning (wholly different than forceful or submissive), and comes accompanied by self-dignity and self-respect. For oneself first, and then radiated out.

An infinite set of potentials reside here, when courageous and self-aware enough to hold your own and an open space for emergence.

At all points, you can check in with yourself and ask “am I reflecting negative energy, absorbing unnecessary energy, or transforming energy to radiate from my own baseline of love?

Am I confounding the boundary between us by getting sucked into nonsense? Do I know and trust myself and the vastness of my heart, its truth and independence?

Do I see your humanity first before entangling the energy of your words with my fears, triggers, and overactive monkey mind?

When you practice transforming energy, you become world transformers.

You radiate out to the world something brighter, magnetic, and wholly evolutionary.

You lead.

You are that powerful — when you act as the designer. When you choose the moments. When you become the instrument by which transformation occurs.